Digital Ischemia

25/12/2018

The Twelve Days of Twistmas part 1/12

The Christmas song twisted into a series of linked short tales, fabricated around tortuous puns.

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Before taking my first mouthful of breakfast, I was distracted by a muffled shuffling. I’d just lifted oats from the pantry shelf, so I figured probably I’d knocked something that was now sliding and settling into a mess for me to clean up. I swithered; the spoon swayed above the bowl. The risk of leaving whatever spillage to get worse weighed against the chance of riling myself with extra chores created. Before I’d even had breakfast. Anxiety won.

The pantry’s interior looked reassuringly sound. No flour storms, no grain trails, no seed— Actually, a small smear of seeds on the floor. Not a big problem.

A cool breeze drew my attention to the window – slightly open. Not how I left it. Looking closer, the frame showed indentations and a displaced chunk of mouldy wood preventing it closing fully. Having been prised? Now I was alert.

Someone had forced their way in. I felt horrified, violated, astonished. This was a dilapidated fishing hut at nowhere; far, far from selfishness and malevolence and festive tomfoolery. Yet, other than the window frame there was no damage, nothing missing. I checked again and again, my anxiety fogging proper observation. The pantry door had been bolted when I’d come in earlier, hadn’t it? Definitely. I’d nearly poured my tea into my baffies trying to open it one-handed.

Why would someone break into this pantry to not steal any food, to not do any damage, to not break into the rest of the ramshackle shelter, for nothing of value anyway, to leave a small heap of seeds? A flicker of movement across the seeds further jacked up my bewildered tension. Was I believing in magic creatures now? Blasted indoctrination with blasted festive pish.

This was ridiculous: under that bottom shelf was less than twenty centimetres. Barely room for a wee bird or rodent … who could prise open a window. I breathed in and bent down. I nearly said ‘ducked’ but I don’t want to confuse you.

A pair of seasonal red legs quivered beneath the feathered belly of a large, very smart-looking, pigeony bird. She had fabulous red and black eye-liner and chevroned wings. I said hello. She gulped and showed off her bird-gyroscope – you know, how they can move any part of their body while keeping their head and eye utterly still. I brought her a small saucer of water and returned to my breakfast, mulling the peculiar custom of visitations.

Half-way through my stodge, as the oats fired up my metabolism, the word ‘porridge’ spontaneously morphed in my head. I laughed and gulped and nearly choked.

A partridge in a pantry.

The Twelve Days of Twistmas continues at part 2

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11 Comments »

  1. […] The Christmas song twisted into a series of linked short tales, fabricated around tortuous puns. Begins at part 1. […]

    Pingback by The Twelve Days of Twistmas part 2/12 | Digital Ischemia — 26/12/2018 @ 11:16

  2. […] The Christmas song twisted into a series of linked short tales, fabricated around tortuous puns. Begins at part 1. […]

    Pingback by The Twelve Days of Twistmas part 3/12 | Digital Ischemia — 27/12/2018 @ 11:17

  3. […] The Christmas song twisted into a series of linked short tales, fabricated around tortuous puns. Begins at part 1. […]

    Pingback by The Twelve Days of Twistmas part 4/12 | Digital Ischemia — 28/12/2018 @ 11:38

  4. […] The Christmas song twisted into a series of linked short tales, fabricated around tortuous puns. Begins at part 1. […]

    Pingback by The Twelve Days of Twistmas part 5/12 | Digital Ischemia — 29/12/2018 @ 12:12

  5. […] The Christmas song twisted into a series of linked short tales, fabricated around tortuous puns. Begins at part 1. […]

    Pingback by The Twelve Days of Twistmas part 6/12 | Digital Ischemia — 30/12/2018 @ 11:33

  6. […] The Christmas song twisted into a series of linked short tales, fabricated around tortuous puns. Begins at part 1. […]

    Pingback by The Twelve Days of Twistmas part 7/12 | Digital Ischemia — 31/12/2018 @ 11:26

  7. […] The Christmas song twisted into a series of linked short tales, fabricated around tortuous puns. Begins at part 1. […]

    Pingback by The Twelve Days of Twistmas part 8/12 | Digital Ischemia — 01/01/2019 @ 11:01

  8. […] The Christmas song twisted into a series of linked short tales, fabricated around tortuous puns. Begins at part 1. […]

    Pingback by The Twelve Days of Twistmas part 9/12 | Digital Ischemia — 02/01/2019 @ 11:55

  9. […] The Christmas song twisted into a series of linked short tales, fabricated around tortuous puns. Begins at part 1. […]

    Pingback by The Twelve Days of Twistmas part 10/12 | Digital Ischemia — 03/01/2019 @ 11:47

  10. […] The Christmas song twisted into a series of linked short tales, fabricated around tortuous puns. Begins at part 1. […]

    Pingback by The Twelve Days of Twistmas part 11/12 | Digital Ischemia — 04/01/2019 @ 11:48

  11. […] The Christmas song twisted into a series of linked short tales, fabricated around tortuous puns. Begins at part 1. […]

    Pingback by The Twelve Days of Twistmas part 12/12 | Digital Ischemia — 05/01/2019 @ 11:22


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